How to Use an Asian Toilet

*This post is for Aunt Evelyn...because she asked.

If you are a foreigner travelling in Asia, follow these simple steps when nature calls:
1. Before entering the toilet, make sure you have some toilet paper or tissue.
2. If you're wearing pants, roll them up to your knees.
3. Enter the toilet and attempt to lock the door which is usually broken.
4. Hold your breath, and suppress your gag reflex. 
5. The floor will be covered with about a quarter inch of water, so tip-toe carefully and place your feet on the sides of the hole. 
6. Pull down your pants and squat.  Be careful not to let them touch the floor.  If you are wearing a skirt, pull it up and squat.
7. Pray that the only thing that comes out of you is pee.  Pray you have not started your period.
8. Complete your mission as quickly as possible.
9. Wipe yourself and throw the tissue in the corner because there's no trash bin.
10. Avoid touching anything.
11. Exit quickly.
12. Squirt a large glob of Purel on your hands and rub vigorously.

If you are Asian, the rules are different:
1. Walk into the toilet barefoot.
2. Touch everything.
3. Take a large dump.
4. Fill the plastic cup with water and pour it on yourself. 
5. Then, make sure you splash a bunch of water all over the entire bathroom without somehow managing to get any into the toilet itself.
6. If there happens to be a sink outside (always without soap), ignore it.
7. Touch everything you can for the rest of the day.
8. Eat food with your hands.
9. Wonder why you constantly have a cold.